Taxi Justice

A little story I got mailed - if you have written this or know the person who did , please leave a comment so that due credit can be given ;)

This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims.

Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise, tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around.

Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian Sports Club around 8am.
I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.

Yep,enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.

He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).

Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece.

I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and so began the fun and games.

The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method.
Well, I used the typical "F_ck you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him.
This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past,
including the untimely death of one of our awesome mates a year ago.

This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the f_cking taxi drivers nose, he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those years ago!

Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to mark its ending.

More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most brain-owners do when driving.

I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!!

Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra
31 dents to the already-f_cked minibus, and the two front wheels were ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.

Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,was also unscathed. However, his car was more f_cked than that prostitute at PE harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden.

I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!

The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was happier than the Proteas when they beat the Aussies, or at least as happy!!

So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining, it's Friday, I've done my training. There will be a lot of thirst quenched this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi!

Now that is justice....!

Hey - some updates ;)

Thanx for reminding me about this blog babe , almost forgot it existed. Geez these okes get more brazen by the day.

Had a drive out to Fourways on the weekend and had a Taxi put his hazard lights on as they like to do. To you and me this would mean that some great calamity has befallen us and that we are in dire need. This is not so for a minibus driver , having your hazard lights flashing gives you every right to drive as you choose. Red traffic lights have no meaning and might as well be green. This was indeed what had happened to this muppet driving next to me in his white deathtrap. The funny thing was that the traffic was so heavy that him weaving in and out and making u-turns in intersections made absolutely no difference to the time it took him to get from point to point. I would listen to my radio and meet up with him every now and then , he would almost kill somebody inbetween us meeting every now and then .

I recall watching a truck driver reversing into a loading bay and really struggling to get this big vehicle man-handled into his slot. The workers watching must have been wannabe taxi drivers as the kept on shouting "Hazads ! Hazads !" "Put on ur Hazads" as if expecting that to make a better driver out of him.

Till later fellow taxi dodgers :-)

Breath deeply and slowly.

Hey there fellow road users ......

Hope live is treating you well :-)

Hubcap Chaos !!!!!

I was stopped at an intersection this morning - waiting for the traffic light to change from red to green,as they normally do. Having this one work was quite unusual as most in Johannesburg and Pretoria aren't due to power cuts :-(. Whilst deep in thought at this wondrous occurrence, a roadside entrepreneur, for want of a better word ,caught my eye. We all know these moppets,you can buy anything short of the kitchen sink from them. I once heard somebody mention that his reason for thinking South Africa was great was the fact that you can do your monthly grocery shop at a traffic light,lol.He wasn't too far off the mark with that observation , anyway I digress. This bright spark had noticed that one of the cars ahead of me was missing a hubcap on the right front wheel. He proceeded to nick the rear hubcap of the same vehicle and tried to flog it to the driver as a replacement for the missing one. This dude had no idea what was happening and politely told him to F... off!! At this point a fair bit of hooting ensued as the traffic light had changed from red to green and he sped off. The "Entrepreneur" shrugged his shoulders and chucked said hubcap into some bushes at the side of the road. It traveled like a frisbee for a bit of the way and then kicked up some dust as it wedged itself in some branches .How is that for a bit of entrepreneurial thinking .Driverdude if you read this - you didn't lose that hubcap in a pothole. It was stolen off your car whilst you were in it !!!!

How did I come to be at this intersection you might ask well that will be a story for my next post.;-)

Keep well - until we meet again.

Cheers

Hilton

I have been away for a while......

I have almost forgotten about this blog. The taxi's are still speeding about as usual so there should be lots for me to talk about. I will be back regularly as I need to de-stress often.

See you soon.

Cheers

Hilton

My clean car covered in dust !!

I have just washed my car - it so clean and shiny you need to wear shades when you look at it.
It was so clean infact , that I was surprised when I looked at it this morning , I thought pixies had delivered me some new wheels whilst I was having my kip . I was in a very jovial mood when I dropped the sprogg off at school happily singing along to the wireless , looking all proud in my shiny fiesta , that is until I turned onto Old Jhb road....... Taxis driving on the wrong side of the road,you know them , laws are'nt meant for these okes, started kicking up so much dust that my car is no longer clean. It is now a hazy kotchellow (Kotch and yellow) colour .Who do these guys think they are - is it just me !!!
I find that very hard to believe. Aaaarghhh!!!!! Close the vents - because dust is now being sucked in and I have started coughing like some demented smoker ; and I dont smoke.........
I cant see were I'm going and my good mood is a distant memory. COME ON ........ when is this going to stop ??????